Path The more wisdom I get, the more insight and the farther I go on this path. The more I want to die, give up and just stop.

Path

The more wisdom I get, the more insight and the farther I go on this path. The more I want to die, give up and just stop.

Being Inlove So I met this amazing guy, all the traits i liked in a guy and he had something huge we had in common. We talked, laughed and did things together. it must have been about a month and a half when i started feeling attached to him. Then out of the blue the man i fell inlove with walks into my life again after i had destroyed our friendship because i did not want a relationship with him at the time and i really could not afford to be inlove. i would have done anything for him, thats what made me afraid and i wanted to marry him with the mentality of us against the world. i chose to walk away, make peace with the woman who destroyed my childhood and had nearly killed me so many time that i still feel like i should be dead. i chose to go home, try to forgive and find myself again.  Apparently the odds of me being successful were overwhelmingly against me. my mother told me to my face when i was 13 that i should be dead by now, they said i would not finish highschool and that i will be pregnant by the time i turn 18. a community of 1500 all believed i was a devil child out to destroy my mothers life, ruin her reputation and told people i was sexually abused just for the sake of attention. All i can simply say is adults can be cruel… I`m 22, a successful Crisis intervention worker (help people who want to kill themselves) and have graduated highschool. i don`t have children because i rather be smart than struggle after all kids don`t deserve to be dragged down by the parents. I forgive my mother after admitting to myself that i feel she ruined my life, told her its unfair she doesn`t love us enough to treat us equally and the MAJOR reason i forgave was….I don`t want to meet our maker and be asked “do you love your mother? father?”. i would reply yes and if our maker asked “How did you show love toward your parents?” I honestly don`t want to be caught with my pants down and you can`t lie to God…. "uh….um…yeeeaaah…..i told them i loved them" i would say awkwardly "Saying i love you with your mouth is meaningless without feeling it in your heart"  I want to answer “how did you show them love?” with “yes i do love them, i met for the first time my father gave him a hug after not seeing him in over 10 years or more and i told him thank you after quietly forgiving him in my heart. i went with my mother at the toughest time in her life to go on dialysis after her kidneys started failing and cried at her funeral. i honestly believed i was going to dance on her grave O.O but that didn`t happen. God, Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth I showed as much love as i could do and…*tears* it was so hard!” . well i rambled on quite a bit…oh well noone reads these things :) AFTER ALL these thoughts in my head…..I truly did love that man, he was incredibly beautiful in my eyes and he was the perfect everything even when he pissed me off. The amazing guy was amazing but my angel reminded me of a few things. There were days i reached my limit, there were days i neeeded to talk to someone and there were days i needed a reality check. The one i fell inlove with….my angel He yelled at me when i wanted to do something stupid or beat the shit out of people, he listened to me when i needed to talk and when i wanted to kill myself…he stayed with me till i appreciated life again.  He believed i was inlove of him because of the attention he gave me, the love he showed me and he thought i believe he worshiped the ground i walked on. no…i loved him because of the heart he has, i saw him as a man who is going to do great and wonderful things. I have faith in him, i know he can`t fail and i trust him to make the right choice even when he doubts in himself. i pushed him away because i believe highschool lovers dont last long after highschool, I`m a liability to his fantastic future and i felt so unworthy of him. so i pushed him away, watched over him and gave him a push from time to time pretending to be his rival in life. i can confidently say with all the love in my heart that he is doing those great things i imagined him to do. :)   So today, tomorrow and the future to come; I`m going to avoid ruining his goal and stay out of his life just for the sake of him succeeding. I`m still that bad girl in his head, that girl who ruined his life and made things difficult. e.e I don’t feel like apologizing anymore…too tired. I forgive myself for saying the things i did, not doing the things i wanted to do and for leaving him when i so desperately wanted him.  At least i was reminded of the things i needed from a bestfriend, lover and husband. He showed me how to choose the one i`m going to spend the rest of my life with, my angel such a naggy reminder but one worth acknowledging. :3

Being Inlove

So I met this amazing guy, all the traits i liked in a guy and he had something huge we had in common. We talked, laughed and did things together. it must have been about a month and a half when i started feeling attached to him. Then out of the blue the man i fell inlove with walks into my life again after i had destroyed our friendship because i did not want a relationship with him at the time and i really could not afford to be inlove. i would have done anything for him, thats what made me afraid and i wanted to marry him with the mentality of us against the world. i chose to walk away, make peace with the woman who destroyed my childhood and had nearly killed me so many time that i still feel like i should be dead. i chose to go home, try to forgive and find myself again. 

Apparently the odds of me being successful were overwhelmingly against me. my mother told me to my face when i was 13 that i should be dead by now, they said i would not finish highschool and that i will be pregnant by the time i turn 18. a community of 1500 all believed i was a devil child out to destroy my mothers life, ruin her reputation and told people i was sexually abused just for the sake of attention. All i can simply say is adults can be cruel…

I`m 22, a successful Crisis intervention worker (help people who want to kill themselves) and have graduated highschool. i don`t have children because i rather be smart than struggle after all kids don`t deserve to be dragged down by the parents. I forgive my mother after admitting to myself that i feel she ruined my life, told her its unfair she doesn`t love us enough to treat us equally and the MAJOR reason i forgave was….I don`t want to meet our maker and be asked “do you love your mother? father?”. i would reply yes and if our maker asked “How did you show love toward your parents?” I honestly don`t want to be caught with my pants down and you can`t lie to God….
"uh….um…yeeeaaah…..i told them i loved them" i would say awkwardly
"Saying i love you with your mouth is meaningless without feeling it in your heart" 
I want to answer “how did you show them love?” with “yes i do love them, i met for the first time my father gave him a hug after not seeing him in over 10 years or more and i told him thank you after quietly forgiving him in my heart. i went with my mother at the toughest time in her life to go on dialysis after her kidneys started failing and cried at her funeral. i honestly believed i was going to dance on her grave O.O but that didn`t happen. God, Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth I showed as much love as i could do and…*tears* it was so hard!” . well i rambled on quite a bit…oh well noone reads these things :)


AFTER ALL these thoughts in my head…..I truly did love that man, he was incredibly beautiful in my eyes and he was the perfect everything even when he pissed me off.
The amazing guy was amazing but my angel reminded me of a few things. There were days i reached my limit, there were days i neeeded to talk to someone and there were days i needed a reality check.
The one i fell inlove with….my angel
He yelled at me when i wanted to do something stupid or beat the shit out of people, he listened to me when i needed to talk and when i wanted to kill myself…he stayed with me till i appreciated life again. 
He believed i was inlove of him because of the attention he gave me, the love he showed me and he thought i believe he worshiped the ground i walked on. no…i loved him because of the heart he has, i saw him as a man who is going to do great and wonderful things. I have faith in him, i know he can`t fail and i trust him to make the right choice even when he doubts in himself. i pushed him away because i believe highschool lovers dont last long after highschool, I`m a liability to his fantastic future and i felt so unworthy of him. so i pushed him away, watched over him and gave him a push from time to time pretending to be his rival in life. i can confidently say with all the love in my heart that he is doing those great things i imagined him to do. :)  
So today, tomorrow and the future to come; I`m going to avoid ruining his goal and stay out of his life just for the sake of him succeeding. I`m still that bad girl in his head, that girl who ruined his life and made things difficult. e.e I don’t feel like apologizing anymore…too tired.
I forgive myself for saying the things i did, not doing the things i wanted to do and for leaving him when i so desperately wanted him. 
At least i was reminded of the things i needed from a bestfriend, lover and husband. He showed me how to choose the one i`m going to spend the rest of my life with, my angel such a naggy reminder but one worth acknowledging. :3

Sexual identity So I`m bi-sexual, i will always be bi-sexual and i love my woman just like my men. I`m a practicing Roman Catholic…christian i guess…Father B. told me i was and so were other people who followed different churches. i was honestly O.O wide eyed in my seat lol also a little :O  He told me Gays, Lesbians and Bi-sexuals all have a purpose in gods plan, we dont know what it is but its not our right to judge. he said they are still children of god so we treat them with respect.  Happy with what he said and with such grace :)  I am native american, so i thought why not see what the teaching is in my culture for two-spirited people (bi-sexual) and spoke with an elder. I was more disappointed in what was said, There is no such thing as two-spirited people; the gays just made that up so they an have more….purpose?….that was it…..no acceptance….no real love….just….hostility. my people aren`t accepting of these things i guess, so brain washed by early christian society and no guidance from any elders. In Hawaiian culture they have gay, bi, lesbian people who are called Mahu oh and tran-sexuals. the hewaiian people have accepted, have history and treat their GLBTTQ people with more love.  mahu  Word originating in ancient Hawaii and around Polynesia for a third-gendered person, that is, not male nor female, but both or neither.  so i have decided to adopt the name Mahu since being two spirited is not accepted in my own culture, sad but how else am i going to be comfortable in my skin without giving up half of me just to fit in. God will forgive me as long as i keep doing his will. :3

Sexual identity

So I`m bi-sexual, i will always be bi-sexual and i love my woman just like my men. I`m a practicing Roman Catholic…christian i guess…Father B. told me i was and so were other people who followed different churches. i was honestly O.O wide eyed in my seat lol also a little :O 
He told me Gays, Lesbians and Bi-sexuals all have a purpose in gods plan, we dont know what it is but its not our right to judge. he said they are still children of god so we treat them with respect. 
Happy with what he said and with such grace :) 
I am native american, so i thought why not see what the teaching is in my culture for two-spirited people (bi-sexual) and spoke with an elder. I was more disappointed in what was said, There is no such thing as two-spirited people; the gays just made that up so they an have more….purpose?….that was it…..no acceptance….no real love….just….hostility. my people aren`t accepting of these things i guess, so brain washed by early christian society and no guidance from any elders. In Hawaiian culture they have gay, bi, lesbian people who are called Mahu oh and tran-sexuals. the hewaiian people have accepted, have history and treat their GLBTTQ people with more love. 

mahu 

Word originating in ancient Hawaii and around Polynesia for a third-gendered person, that is, not male nor female, but both or neither. 

so i have decided to adopt the name Mahu since being two spirited is not accepted in my own culture, sad but how else am i going to be comfortable in my skin without giving up half of me just to fit in. God will forgive me as long as i keep doing his will. :3

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Socially appropriate behavior so today i wanted to be fabulous so i put a wig on.  i wanted to be super fabulous so i put on a BIG hair wig.  then…. i just kinda wanted to be me so… :)  no wigs for the rest of the day till i can find my black cape :/ 

Socially appropriate behavior

so today i wanted to be fabulous so i put a wig on. 
i wanted to be super fabulous so i put on a BIG hair wig. 
then….
i just kinda wanted to be me so… :) 
no wigs for the rest of the day till i can find my black cape :/ 

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its hard to watch your mother cry So i have fought my demons made peace with a view things and well. right now i`m really hurt its hard to talk about whats going on with me because i`m the strong one i`m the one who is looked at for the well-being of the family and today i just want to feel something else

its hard to watch your mother cry

So i have fought my demons made peace with a view things and well.
right now i`m really hurt
its hard to talk about whats going on with me because i`m the strong one
i`m the one who is looked at for the well-being of the family
and today



i just want to feel something else

big teary eyed smile on my face after seeing this :)
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